Looking for definition

Those who know me are either confused and/or critical about why I have so many things going on, or are totally inspired how talented I am, or how can I multi-task and get so many things done. From my side, well, I bounce between both camps. Some days I just don’t know where to start; what direction to take or how the heck I got my self into so much complexity. But then there are days when I sit back in awe at all the opportunities before me and the beauty of such a variegated life.

Right now, however, I’m just plain confused. Tonight I was telling myself I have to establish a clear definition of who I am and be done with it. Life would certainly be a lot simpler. My schedule would be set and I would have a clear and defined path to traverse towards a clearly defined goal. Or would I? Maybe that’s just not me? God, life can be confusing. Or maybe it’s just that we allow our restless mind to create all the fog. An unbridled mind is certainly a “devils workshop.” Hence, the need for daily meditation and making time for when we can focus on the essential needs of the soul. Believe it or not, along with all the projects I’ve got going on, I still meditate about 2 hours a day. The problem is my meditation sessions sort of suck at the moment. I do mantra meditation but my sessions are not very focused. At least I’m trying to stay connected to the source (Krishna), but I know it’s not the best I could do.

Well, today at least, I spent some “quality meditation time” by chanting my mantra while strolling down the C & O canal path amongst the Potomac woods. I was mostly alone – just me, the trees, a few stray ducks and the odd squirrel. As I sat down beside a stream I stopped to throw out an urgent plea to the Universe to grant me love, confidence and clarity. Three things my heart is telling me that I need to work on. That reminds me of an experience I had while staying with my good friends, Rasamrita and Shyam in their cottage in the woods of Cheverly.

About a year ago, I was laying in my bed asking for healing from the nature spirits outside the house. I mentally prepared myself for healing by releasing all tension and inviting healing hands to work on me. At the time, I had recently separated from a very abusive relationship. That’s another long story, suffice to say that I really needed healing. My heart was so hurt. As I lay there that early evening, I could sense three beings come into the room and begin gently guiding their hands over my body. It felt loving and I think I even shed a tear at the time. Then in my mind, I heard a distinct instruction from one of them: “You need to tell yourself, ‘I am light; I am love; I am not afraid anymore.” Since that day I try to remind myself of these beautiful words. My latest version of this healing “self talk” is: “I am light; I am love; I am not afraid anymore.”

My heart still needs a lot of healing. The marriage was a mistake from the beginning, but I endured 9 years of it. I believe I only stayed in the marriage for four reasons: 1) To give love and guidance to my lovely daughter; 2) Out of compassion for the “ex” who I feel would have difficulty living with any man; 3) A sense of responsibility to my vows and my role as a father; and 4) ego, because I did not want to admit defeat to myself, nor admit to my friends and family that I had made a huge mistake.

So now I’m back to my earlier conundrum – how to define myself? Today I stand on a new horizon of my life. I am still a very young man with lots of hope and dreams inside me. There are so many things I need to experience, including the love of an angel-like partner. My heart burns with passion both for love and for life. I want to fill my heart with joy and radiate it back to the universe. My spiritual master, Srila Prabhupada, had requested that everyone get a chance to eat prasadam (pure food that is sanctified by offering it to God with love), because he was convinced that by doing this along with the propagation of pure sound vibration (The Maha Mantra), we  could create peace and prosperity in the world. This indeed was Prabhupada’s “peace formula” and I feel that somehow or other it is a goal that I just have to try to realize. The good news is that I truly believe that it is possible, (more on this in another post) and so whatever I end up doing along the winding path of my life, one thing for sure is that expanding the distribution of prasadam (pure food) will be paramount. So, I guess I just defined myself! No matter how hard I try to be something else; a graphic designer, web developer, inventor, entrepreneur, numerologist, sacred geometrician, BATman, planner, dreamer, greeny, “Krishna-dairian”, ad infinitum, the hard reality is that I will always be known to my closest friends as “Priya” or “Prasadam das”, the “Food Yogi” or the “FFL guy“. I guess that’s the way it is. This seems to be my core being while all the other things are just superficial layers that I can change as I wish just like I change my clothes. And I must say, this personal brand is something that I am most comfortable with and it seems to be the only thing that makes all the hard work worthwhile and my life truly relevant.

Thank you, Prabhupada.

To learn more about my charity work: www.ffl.org

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