Love and Yin deficiency

This afternoon I went to court for a PL trial. It is a temporary ruling for financial obligations of both spouses in a divorce settlement. Today the Master was offering his recommendations, and as expected, he ruled in favor of my ex wife. I sat there unemotional thinking that no one can really hurt me and if I can’t afford to pay what they are expecting, then so be it. I am not a miracle worker and I know better than anyone the reality of my situation.

But while returning home I began to contemplate what took place and I started to feel the hurt takeover my body. I could not come to terms with how someone that I had supported for 10 years could be so ruthless and manipulating. The ruling was completely unfair to me and I know in her heart she knew this, but her ego is such that she would rather swallow the poison of injustice than accept the medicine of spiritual equality.

Once the ruling was complete, I just stormed out of the courtroom not wanting to talk to anyone, especially not to her. I can not even bare to look at her anymore. For ten years, she abused me to no end and now seems to be relishing the thought of driving a final “nail in my coffin.”

Tomorrow I take my daughter to an audition and I hope that seeing her smiling face and watching her success will thrill me and heal my aching heart. She is truly the light of my life and the only thing that keeps me going.

I remain confident that Krishna (God) is my best friend and He will always be there for me till the very end. Although it appears difficult for me now, I know my suffering pales in comparison to the people of Myanmar or Dafur. I have many things to be thankful for and I do sincerely appreciate the blessings in my life. There only seems to be one thing lacking and that is love. After a decade of torment and torture, my heart yearns for the experience of true love. I am seeking this through my spiritual practices, but at the same time, because I am still physically bound and illusioned by this world, I seek the loving experience in the lower energetic vibrations of this world as well.

I was at a party the other day, surrounding by truly wonderful people, all of whom I call my friends. Some of them, however, are very close and special to me. One of them came up and hugged me and said, “Please call anytime, we are here for you.” It meant a lot. That same night I spoke to another very old friend and confided with him of my personal struggles. He was silent on the other end of the phone and seemed to be lost for words. I guess it was all new to him. I am a very private person, and even my closest friends don’t always know of my challenges. I am sure it is the same for many people. Anyway, after a long pause, my old friend sincerely offered me his helping hand if I needed it. Just to hear your friends say these things is healing.

Sometimes though I just want to be hugged. Don’t we all? Today I was reading a great book on Qigong massage and came across an interesting passage about Qi An Mo or Qigong healing.

“To understand Qi massage, you must understand that Qi is the bioelectricity circulating in the body. Because it is electricity, it can be conducted or led through electrical correspondence. Actually, everybody has the ability to do Qi healing. To give an example, when people are sad, their Qi is Yin deficient. If you hold their hands or hug them, your Qi will nourish them and they will immediately feel better. We have been doing this instinctively for a long time. The only difference between the average person and a Qigong master is that the latter has trained in Qigong healing, and can therefore be more effective. ” – “Qigong Massage” by Dr Yang, Jwing-Ming

Isn’t it interesting that there always seems to be a deeper meaning to the most common things we do unconsciously. When I was in New York in April, I came across a bunch of young people offering free hugs. I gladly obliged and was really appreciative of what they were trying to do. The world needs love and that gigantic world begins with the single cell in your body. From the macrocosm to the microcosm, the world we live in is an amazing artistic expression of divine love. Despite the pain and suffering that comes upon us at times or the overwhelming sadness that saturates the world, know for certain that in each and every one of us, is the spark of divine love just bursting with anticipation for that day it will rise up and shine in its full brilliance. That brilliance can never be denied. It is our God-given right and our constitutional position. I guess what I am saying is, that as I am trying to express this love to you, my dear reader, I hope that you will do the same to me. We all need each other.

With love,

– Paul